Sometimes the Back Burner Gets a Little Warm

 

You would think that after months of running in the same circle, I would be used to this.

But it still stings more and more every time things begin to fall apart. How can something that was never truly put together in the first place, fall apart? How does something that is not truly mine cause heartache like this? I suppose the fault is ultimately mine. If I had never let things progress, I wouldn’t feel the pain constricting my chest every time we had to pretend like everything is ok or feel the ache of jealousy when he gave his leisure time and effort to his girlfriend, as he always did.

So why did I do it? Why does anyone do it? In the beginning, the simplicity of the situation brought a tingle to my gut. You know, the kind you get when you’re doing something wrong but it just FEELS too right to stop? It was too simple to pass up. Imagining the freedom. Imagining the absence of committed responsibility. Like most women now days, I felt I only needed a man for one thing. I only wanted him for one thing.

So I figured, why not? Who better than a man who already has commitments to another woman? He had his responsibilities, I had mine. There would be no awkward morning after, no constant phone calls. I could have all the space I wanted and I would get no complaints from his end. It was suppose to be easy and painless.

But you can never have your cake and eat it too. At least I can’t. He seemed to do it just fine. What started out as a simple, no-strings-attached, one night rendezvous (or at least the illusion of one) ended up evolving into so much more. Maybe it was the ease of playfulness when we first became friends, the shared passions for the things we loved, or the jolt of sexual chemistry we felt the first time and every time we had sex. Either way, I grew to rely on him. We became each other’s go-to when one of us needed support.

And the simple “friends with benefits” morphed its way into a caring, and very complicated relationship. I could see connection in his eyes when we were together and I know he could see the way I lit up every time I saw him. We knew each other inside and out and I was dying to know more

But I also didn’t count on the pitfalls of this type of relationship

I thought I had it completely figured out. But I didn’t expect to grow to NEED him. I didn’t expect to miss him the second I left him each time. I didn’t expect him to make efforts to help me with my daughter when she was around and I certainly didn’t expect to fall in love with him.

Or for him to feel the way he felt for me. What I thought was going to be something casual and short lived turned out to be a nightmare. We always had to keep looking over our shoulders to make sure no one was picking up on what was going on and our time together was always limited.

I became jealous and angry often, and at times, so hurt I could barley breathe. I hated being second in line , yet I always put myself there. He would always tell me that his current relationship was doomed and that he was unhappy. He would tell me that he would think of me while he was with her and that he could see himself being incredibly happy with me. He would say that he was ready to leave her. So much of me wanted to believe him. I clinged to that little bit of hope, but a better part of me knew better. Yet I still stayed. We had such an intense connection at times that I was convinced that living without him would be so much worse than just dealing with the agony of sharing the man I loved. And I was right.

Any attempt that I had at ending whatever it was that we were so tangled in, ended in more heartache and anxiety than I could handle. It made me physically hurt. I wanted nothing more than to be free of him and at the same time be wrapped up to his warm body so that the ache would diminish. Though he still made me incredibly happy, I could feel myself starting to fall apart. I would obsess over his relationship with her. Was he thinking about me? Was he still happy with her? What did she have that I didn’t? Why wasn’t I good enough? Our feelings for one another stayed consistent but the relationship had begun to collapse. I knew what I needed to do, as much as I wanted and tried to ignore it.

5 months have passed and I still know what I need to do but the truth is, I can’t. I still want what I can’t have and im clinging to something that doesn’t exist. I am still captivated by the empty “I love you’s” and I still continue to fall for the games he plays. I don’t know how to stop. And I know that if I don’t make that move, he won’t make it either.

You’d think after months of running in the same circles, id be used to this by now….

There are New Doors to be Opened. Go Find Them!

If I have learned anything in the past year, it’s that sometimes facing and accepting the cold, hard truth can be extremely difficult. My mind loves to create conflict between the way I think things SHOULD have been and what ACTUALLY happened which in turn causes many of my emotional wounds to remain unhealed.

Our minds are programmed to try to understand things, but it cannot and will never understand the heart. Our hearts have no logic. Ever heard the quote: “If you’ve never lost your mind then you’ve never followed your heart”?? The two do not play well together. But over the years I have learned that regardless of what your mind may think, your heart is much stronger than you think and it is built to handle being broken a time or ten.

Sometimes there may be situations and times in your life that you are metaphorically drowning and you’re flailing but failing to keep afloat. Or when Murphy’s Law has no chill and you feel like you can’t go on without being kicked back down to the ground. It may feel like your life is in a plummeting downward spiral out of control sometimes but I think it’s normal, even healthy to feel these emotions from time to time. It just proves that you are human.

People will tell you to suck it up and that it’s time to move on with your life. Much like with grief, you don’t necessarily have to just get over it and forget about it, but you may need to more forcefully propel yourself forward. Or if you’re stuck in that stagnant middle ground, try a new approach to doing so. Those hurtful experiences, like the ones that emotionally or logistically reset our lives, can leave you with two choices to either:

1. Mentally shut down
2. Learn from it and open new doors to new opportunities

As scary as it may seem, be audacious and bust through every new door you can find! Give yourself, your mind and your heart a new and different opportunity to leave your emotional turmoil behind you. Know that you ARE capable of living a happy life even with great pain in your heart. They CAN exist in parallel.

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S Lewis

 

Anxiety… Lets Talk About It

For my anxiety’s sake, I want to blog a little on what it’s like to live day to day with generalized anxiety as a seemingly upbeat extrovert. There seems to be an unspoken expectation that people who suffer from anxiety are these antisocial, manic depressant shells of themselves when in reality anxiety can burrow its hideous face in the most unsuspecting of hosts.

I remember the day that I experienced real anxiety for the first time. For 26 years of my life, I had never dealt with it on a daily basis. Sure, I had felt the occasional panic when I had procrastinated studying for a test or the casual worry of a situation gone astray in my life. But nothing compared to the feeling I felt on December 9th, 2014. I had undergone a cesarean just 2 days before when I brought the most beautiful baby girl into this world. My daughter, although a blessing, was far from planned. I had never been a kid person before I got pregnant and being the baby of my family, I was never really around very many younger kids throughout my life. You can take every single birthing, Lamaze, new motherhood, breastfeeding and infant safety class that this world has to offer but NOTHING can truly prepare you mentally, physically, or emotionally for your first child. They will tell you “Oh, don’t worry, your motherly instincts will kick in”, and I will tell you that that is complete bullshit. I had a 250lb man basically lay across me and force my daughter through a 2 inch incision then stitch me up and wheel my drugged out self to another room and laid this tiny, beautiful ball of skin on my chest. It was  an incredibly overwhelming feeling to be so unconditionally in the deepest and purest love with a complete stranger. And even though I loved her enough to give my life for her within 5 minutes of meeting her, I still had no f*&$ing clue what to do with her. A couple days passed and I learned the basics of mommy duty (thank God for my wonderful nurses). Then the day came for us to go home. I remember thinking “wait, what? We have to leave?! They are really going to let me leave the hospital with this newborn child’s life in my hands?!”

We got all checked out and they brought the truck around and wheeled me out and there I was face to face with my first real challenge… The car seat. After about 45 minutes and assistance from several hospital employees, we were able to secure the car seat and get my little slug baby fastened in. I sat in the back seat next to her in the truck parked under the hospital awning. I told my mother goodbye and the truck was put into drive. As we left the hospital that day, I was introduced to my newest and most agonizing friend. We’ll call him anxiety. I was panic-stricken. I had no idea how I was going to do this without the help of the hospital staff, and I began to sob uncontrollably. I’m not talking about shedding a few tears, I am talking full blown, whaling, ugly crying. I was caught between feeling the fear of accidentally killing my child because I didn’t read “How to Keep a Newborn Alive 101” and worrying that we were going to crash the truck with my precious cargo in the back seat. I was in a complete and utter panic and I couldn’t figure out how to stop.

Fortunately, none of that happened and I’ve made it this far with my almost 2 year old without nothing than a few bumps and scratches. Although there were only a few minor physical bumps and scratches made in the making of this child, the mental and emotional turmoil that has come along with the unbalanced hormone levels of post partum and the conventional woes of first time parenthood has left some pretty substantial scars.

It has sense become something that I have accepted and lived with for the time being. I have talked with support groups and close friends and family and learned a handful of ways to try and cope when the nagging fear won’t go away. I’ve tried breathing methods and medications. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

However, the thing that bothers me the most is when people that have never dealt with chronic anxiety attach this stigma of what they think anxiety should look like. There are close to 500 million people that are living with the stigma of having a mental health condition. Do they really believe that all those 500 million people are too mentally unstable to go about their day to day lives? Absolutely not. We learn to live our lives around it. Some days can be good and others can be bad….. really bad. But because we have built this stigma, admitting to having generalized anxiety sometimes just pins you as a reject to society. This, in turn, makes it difficult for people to open up about it. As an anxious person, you are constantly over analyzing what other people think of you anyway.

There is good news though. Not every person in your life is going to understand the demons you are fighting on a daily basis, but the ones that truly care for you are going to do their best to try. They will stand behind you when you feel your foundation is becoming unstable and respect your needs and space when you need it. It took me about a year to finally start opening up about my struggle with anxiety. I specifically remember having a conversation with one of my coworkers about my 1, 5 and 10 year goals and when I mentioned that defeating anxiety was one of my 5 year goals, she was shocked to hear that I even dealt with it because of the way I carry myself. Since that day, her and all of my other coworkers have been some of my biggest supporters. They have no idea that the hugs that they offer up to me keep me from crumbling on some days.

So my message is this… don’t assume that just because someone wears a smile on their face that they aren’t being consumed by an invisible darkness in their mind and body. Don’t just assume that the worry is something that they can control. Anxiety doesn’t just affect you mentally, it also takes a significant toll on your body physically as well. On really bad days, anxiety hurts. It turns your stomach, it sits heavy in your chest making it hard to breath normally or keep a steady heart rate. My biggest steps in trying to gain control of my anxiety has been opening up to people about it. The number of people that are able to relate to how you are feeling is astounding. And sometimes just finding someone that understands what you are going through can be exactly what you need to defeat your anxiety for the day or even just a few hours. Even the smallest victories are still victories.

Here’s to breaking the stigma around mental health and one day fully conquering it.

 

 

The Other.

I know what you’re thinking. “What a malicious little whore” “How could a woman do such an awful thing?” I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking the same thing. I don’t condone cheating one bit. I’ve been cheated on multiple times before and even now when I hear of someone cheating, I am very quick to judge. So trust me when I say that I am not proud of being “The Other Woman”.

First off, let me start by saying that becoming the other woman was never something that I went looking for and certainly not a title I wanted stamped on my reputational resume. I never premeditated ripping someone’s relationship apart and getting away with it never brought me any satisfaction. I did not single him out of a crowd and say “that is the man I want because he is unavailable”. I could not stress to you enough that It. Just. Happened. ((Insert audience eye roll here))

When I think of the other woman I picture her as a sexy, skinny bitch in heels, with matching lingerie under every perfectly matched outfit. I picture her as a catty, conniving, rude, but great with seductive words and only drinks martinis and vodka tonics. Let me tell you, I am far from any of that. So I surprised even myself when I first ended up in this situation. I am far from sexy. I don’t wear heels, ever. I am built like a brick shit house, don’t own any sort of lingerie, and i’m socially awkward when it comes down to spitting game. I am just an average looking, single mother trying to find the best version of myself and be the best mother that I can be.

Then I met him. Someone that I had automatically assumed was far out of my league and also very unavailable. We became great friends and I felt that I had no worries. I didn’t see myself as a threat to him because his girlfriend was beautiful and he seemed very much in love with her. But then conversation slowly began to shift and he became a person that I trusted and really felt comfortable talking to. I don’t know exactly what it was that completely changed the name of the game but it happened really quickly and very subtly and I fell for him. I fell for him really hard.

Infatuation has a crazy way of making us feel like we are in love. I connected with him on insane levels in so many parts of our lives. Something I’ve never had with anyone else before. This went on for 6 months. Being with him was exhilarating and I truly felt like him and I were in love with each other. I believed it because that was what I was told. I was clinging to every word rolling out of his beautiful face, every kiss, every little touch, every message, every single empty promise. I pride myself on being a strong willed woman but he made me weak and looking back on all of it now I can see that I was very weak and extremely naïve. I was thinking and acting solely with my heart and my brain got lost in it’s dust.

Even after the truth was revealed to his girlfriend and their relationship ended, him and I did not work out. In a matter of weeks, the idea of this life that I thought we would of had once he was free of her, came crashing down on top of me. Mistakes were made on both of our parts, so much so that we were trying to come back from a steep deficit and just ended up pushing each other away. He could not sustain the hardships of real life and what it meant to be with me and I just did not make him happy anymore. It all very quickly became a fantasy to both of us. But still, I do not blame him for anything.

I have spewed hatred to him and told him that I regretted ever wasting my time on him, but I know deep down that’s not true. He was my best friend. He still is. Was time wasted? Yes. But do I regret the time I spent with him? Never. I have confided so many things in him and he was there for me when I needed him the most. He encouraged and pushed me when I wanted to give up on a lot of things. He bonded with my daughter and I could never take that away from her. There were too many things to be grateful for for me to say I regretted it.

It has been a hard pill to swallow and nothing short of a heart wrenching process but I am now learning that it is possible to find happiness in being alone. I always thought I couldn’t live without him and now I am starting to see a promising light at the end of the tunnel. I know I am going to be fine and I am excited to see what the future has in store for me. He deserves to find love as much as I do. I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and I believe that there are greater things in store for all of us involved, including his ex girlfriend.

With every experience, good and bad, there is a lesson to be learned and I learned a hard one. But in it I learned that I am only human, I am not perfect, I make mistakes and I become a better person for learning from the mistakes that I make. Being the other woman was a big fucking mistake. Whoever said love conquers all was full of shit. We all just want to love and be loved in return. We want to be wanted and need to be needed. Not all of the women that fall into the title of “The Other Woman” are heartless and deceitful demonic bitches that are hunting for unavailable men. Sometimes even the most average, good hearted women can fall. Sometimes, shit just happens.

 

The L Word

What do you say we take a second and dive head first into a really gross topic? I’m talking about that big, nasty L word. Yes, love. Isn’t is a beautiful thing? The idea of love is something that, I would assume, just about everyone desires. But the reality of it has never really been what it’s cracked up to be and we are left with an abundance of that “gray area” when it comes to love.

If you know me, I’m sure you would probably say that my opinion of love can somewhat be a sour one… and you might be right, depending on what day you ask me. The truth is, my ideals of love sometimes just needs a sober reality check. Since the beginning of film making, we have manifested the idea of love as an eloquent, always passionate, swoon you with words, weak at the knees kind of romance. While not all of those prehistoric ideals of love have been lost, it is a far cry from what it has blossomed into today in popular culture. Sometimes I have the tendency to expect to find the kind of love you see in the movies, but then again, I am not really cut out for that kind of romantic bullshit.

In 1937, Lorenz Hart lyrically created one of the greatest love songs of all time called “My Funny Valentine”. Frank Sinatra definitely takes the cake in this cover when he so sweetly sings:

“You make me smile with my heart

Your looks are laughable,

Unphotographable.

Yet you’re my favorite work of art”

A unique description of endearment Mr.Hart, but it’s definitely not what you would find in the scripts of the sultry “Casablanca”.

There have been more times than I can count that I have proclaimed my retirement in the love department because of that lingering ideal of romantic, movie worthy love. Another one bites the dust and all of a sudden the chance of love in my future ceases to exist. I am a little dramatic at times but truthfully,  I love to love. I always have and I am always looking for it. Society has set these unspoken rules and stipulations on love and how you should love, when it’s the appropriate time to fall in love, when it’s ok to tell someone that you love them, who is suppose to say those big, ugly, dangerous words first. Apparently, I break those rules.

My most recent encounter with love has been nothing short of frustration, confusion and drowning in a deep sea of lust but through it all I have learned three sizable facts about my love character:

1. I will always love more than I am loved in return. It has never failed to remain a reoccurring theme in the majority of my relationships, platonic and romantic. I am always the first to initiate the nature of the relationship, the first to fall the hardest, the first to say “I love you”. I am also always the one that struggles the most when dealing with a love that’s failed.

2. I enjoy the Lorenz Hart, sweet yet utterly ridiculous kind of love.  Nothing says “I love you” quite like a hard smack on the ass and inappropriate public shenanigans. Make me laugh with your foul language and heinous verbal thoughts and I am all yours. Call me crazy but if someone tells me that I am beautiful on a daily basis, I am not going to believe them because we both know damn well that that is not always true. Have you ever seen me hangover? “Unphotographable” as Hart would say. It seems much more sincere when it comes when you least expect it. Color outside of the lines and keep me on my toes and you will be my favorite work of art.

3. I am a chronic over analyzer.  Being human means being susceptible and able to adapt to our feelings. That is until those unpredictable tides of emotion begin to work overtime in your brain and interfere with your logic. Moments like these have the tendency to completely eliminate my sense of reasoning behind certain situations and instead, lead me to perceive through a sentimental veil so that I empathize with the ones I love. I am somehow capable of dissecting, manipulating, and convincing myself towards a justification for my thoughts and actions even in the most nonsensical of situations. It’s almost laughable.

Regardless of your personal idea of love or love preference, love itself plays a pretty significant role in our lives. The most challenging aspect of love lies in disentangling that emotional knot that reveals the fundamental function of that love in your relationships and really getting to the core of what it is about that person that sets your soul on fire. Being able to detach yourself from the control of your emotions just enough to assess the authenticity of why you truly love someone can really set a gold standard in the quality of love that you give AND the love that you gain.

Cheers to love,

Tonie

 

 

 

What Would You Be Left With?

I came across something yesterday that has been resonating in my mind for the better half of the day today. A family friend of mine shared a saying he had heard a few times prior in reference to his wife. He said “If you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday, what would you be left with? Pray for what you HAVE. God already knows what you WANT, and He knows how it’s gonna end. We’re just along for the ride, and we have the choice to be thankful believers or begging complainers.”

At the time I was reading it, I didn’t quite realize how aggressively it was embedding itself into my mind, but I couldn’t stop repeating it over and over in my head as the day went on. “What would you be left with?” started ringing louder in my ear and leaving me with a sting deep in my gut. What WOULD I be left with? What DID I thank God for the previous night?

Not a damn thing.

I’ll tell you what I did do though. I bitched and complained heavily about the substantial amount of stress that school has been piling on my shoulders. I uttered the words “I am so exhausted” a number of times when Blake didn’t want to go to bed. I ranted to friends about things not going the way I wanted them to in my love life. I demanded answers that I already know the answer to and I went through the motions of my nightly routine, dreading and anticipating the stress that I knew would come the following day.

“I would have nothing.” The words physically came tumbling out of my mouth. I had been so entirely wrapped up in all of the metaphorical shit of my everyday life and all of the things that I WANT out of life that I had completely lost sight of the beautiful things that I am so fortunate to already have. This is cliché, I know, so I apologize for lacking original thought. People always tell you to be thankful for what you have but if you really took the time to dissect the authenticity  behind those words, would you discover that you, in fact, you might not be as thankful and appreciative as you thought you were? Would you have those people, objects, experiences, emotions, etc. with you when you woke up this morning?

I wouldn’t have. But rest assure that they will be tomorrow. When you feel like you are drowning in the stresses of everyday life and you’re flailing and failing to keep afloat, it may be difficult to see how much you unknowingly take for granted. I get tunnel visioned on everything going wrong and I turn a cold shoulder to everything that is going right, but I’m human and I fall lightyears short of perfection just like everyone else. I am ok with that too. So today I choose to be a thankful believer, and I will choose it again tomorrow. I will stop using my prayers as a slot machine and stop hoping to be dealt a better hand for the things that I want to be different because the way that they WILL be is already set in stone. The people that I love and am so entirely grateful for will know how much they mean to me. They will know without a shadow of a doubt that if I woke up tomorrow with only the things that I thanked God for the night before, that they would be there by my side in the morning, with a plate full of bacon.

-T